


old ghosts, new ghosts

by friendworm (titanjammies)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Stream of Consciousness, its just jean thinking about Things mostly, marco is mentioned like once this isn't One Of Those Fics, spoilers for recent chapters, warnings for talking about death i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:49:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3605655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titanjammies/pseuds/friendworm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean's not sleeping much these days</p>
            </blockquote>





	old ghosts, new ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> its like 3 am right now and this is really short and i wrote this in about 2 hours because I've been thinking a lot about Jean in recent chapters and how he's dealing with things lately especially wrt killing someone
> 
> i have no idea when exactly this is set bc im pretty sure there's literally been zero think time between killing the dude and where we are now but im taking creative liberties here and i (ironically) haven't slept in a while so just. take any inaccuracies in the timeline with a grain of salt i guess.

Sleep’s hard these days.

I might as well be trying to sleep in the middle of an angry crowd with everyone shouting different things at me all at once. My thoughts are so loud and distracting it's hard to focus on any one thing long enough to crash. Sometimes I can deal, force myself to tune out and fall asleep. Other times everything’s too loud, too angry.

_Killer! Killer!_

_Should’ve run away when you had the chance! Should’ve run away like you always do!_

_Killer! Murderer!_

I want so badly to forget that, to not think about how I’m directly responsible for someone’s death and whatever fallout resulted from that. I don’t want to think about how that guy was important to someone, and whoever they are, it’s my fault they’ll never see him again. I know what that’s like and I don’t want to know that I did that to someone. But I did. No amount of wanting and wishing and feeling like shit will change what I had to do. I hear a lot of “have to”s.

Have to make sacrifices. Have to move on. Have to be a bad person. Have to pull the trigger. Have to be a killer. Have to shut up and carry on because if you can’t handle it you might as well just walk outside the walls and offer yourself up to the titans.

I could’ve just avoided that a long time ago if I had just walked away and joined the Military Police. I’d be a piece of shit, I guess, but a happier, safer piece of shit. Something tells me things would have had to have gone very differently at Trost for me to have ended up there, though.

I lost sleep after Trost, too.

The old shock of waking up to empty spaces still gets to me sometimes, but it’s less like a knife and more like a dull punch in the gut; Less of the specific, stabbing feeling that came from beds that were occupied a few days ago and more of a blunt reminder of how much has changed. Different times, different ghosts. It doesn’t feel so much like Marco’s haunting me anymore. The initial pain of that whole mess is long gone. I still think about him sometimes. You don’t just forget someone like that, but it helps to remember more than it used to hurt. Besides, I’ve got more than enough problems to replace that one.

But like I said, shut up and carry on.

All the guilt and fear and fatigue weighing me down is shit I have to figure out how to carry. Push on in spite of the obstacles and all that. The truth is I just don’t want to die yet.

I know by now that most things pass. Crushes and rivalries. Pain from loss and the ability to stay selfish. One day, my problems now will be nothing more than old ghosts replaced by a whole set of brand new ones and even though I can’t see it happening now, it will.

Maybe this is just a means to an end, and I'm just waiting for a moment when I can make my life mean something and then kick the bucket knowing I wasn't just another kid who died too young. If I'm gonna die it better be for a good reason.

When you lose something, you learn how to move on.

When you’ve lost enough sleep, your body shuts off in spite of you.

When you need to, you find ways to keep going.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this even though it's glaringly obvious that it was written at 2 in the morning. pls don't point out any accuracies or tell me wha t i'm doing wrong because trust me I know.
> 
> i'd suggest listening to this fanmix that sort of made me want to write this: http://8tracks.com/magefriend/baby-teeth
> 
> my tumblr is ajeander check me out over there (or wormparty if you want my main blog but ajeander is where i keep all my snks)  
> u can also check me out on twitter (@wormcollege)


End file.
